Jae: “Why can’t you hate your father?”
I’ve thought about this for several days, and here’s my answer: I don’t know.
By all rights, I should hate him. The rage at the molestation aside, he raped Lynne and Susan (literal rape, as in held them down and forced himself on them, many times over the course of several years, rape as in maybe Anna isn’t our sister after all but it seems entirely possible to me that she’s Susan and Dad’s daughter because there’s about a fifteen year age difference between Anna and Susan which would put it at about the right time that Dad was raping Susan, but this isn’t really the kind of thing you just ask a person at a family reunion or anything, and even though I’m only about 67% sure that this is the case it wouldn’t surprise me at all to find out several years down the road that everyone else knew the whole time because this is how this family freaking rolls, I mean honestly here, it was a poorly kept secret that Lynne was our half-sister instead of our aunt all those years, more fuckery on my father’s part… lost my train of thought.)
Even with the facts about my father molesting me aside, he raped Lynne and Susan, beat the hell out of my mother, tried to feel up Jenae, was a habitual liar, was just horribly mean and cruel and weird to us… and yet.
And yet Little Amara, in the back of my mind. Anytime my father is mentioned or even thought of, her eyes light up with that pure love and adoration that only a child can feel for their parents. It’s her that prevents me from hating my father.
And it’s Little Amara that needs to shut the hell up, because regardless of the fact that he was my father, he was an evil bastard. Okay, let’s say that molesting me was a regrettable lapse in judgment and morality - he still raped Lynne and Susan. That is not the behavior of a good person. That is the behavior of an evil bastard.
And here’s the thing. I am under no such illusions about my mother. I recognize what she is. I know that she did her best to raise us, and that she failed abysmally in many ways. But I see both the bad (marrying a child rapist and having children with him) and the good (doing the best she could). Why no objective thought here, Lil Amara?
It probably has to do with the molestation, the intense emotion felt with the orgasm. I don’t like this – in fact, I hate it, see, I am fully capable of hating things – but this is probably the case. That emotional response that girls have with their first time, that associated adoration (or hate, depending). And because he’s my father, and all little girls love their fathers, that went toward love instead of hate.
Even though I have every right to hate him. Objectively, I can see that he’s an evil bastard… but I can’t seem to hate him.
So yeah, tl;dr I don’t know.